It has been over a year since I last wrote, and it's driving me nuts that I can't create a habit to write.
Apparently I have no problem not writing on a consistent basis, clearly I have that habit down pat. But how to reverse this?
I guess the question is, what's stopping me?
I want to create a habit to write but in reality, where do I fit it in??
As it is, my alarm goes off at 4am so that I can fit in a 20 minute meditation before I do an hour long workout with my husband in our living room. I then take care of our kitties as I drink a shake, shower, eat breakfast, and go to work by 8am, often working back late (because that's what I do), leaving work at 5:30 or 6:30 (not 4:30 like I should) or lately it's been even later (super stressful times). Once home I feed the kitties, eat dinner, watch a TV show (if I have time), and go to bed by 8:30-9:00pm.
Next morning I get up and repeat.
So in all this, where is the time for me to create a new habit to write?
I know that I'm no different from anyone else who has a busy life.
Some of us go to work every day, some run their own business from home, some are stay at home mums or dads (a job and a half), and some might not be working at all... which, I have to say, is a job in itself being broke and unemployed. I've been there. Certainly not the kind of freedom anyone can enjoy or should yearn for. Strangely, more time does not equal more done. And seriously, not being in the workforce does not mean you are exempt from the human-force. And my feeling is that being human is truly the toughest job of all.
Anyway, I guess no matter what we do with our lives we are all busy, all climbing that uphill battle trying to fit in as much as we can in any given day. Time is always going to be elusive so the only way to make it stretch, from what I'm figuring out, is to know how we want to fill it, and to commit.
Getting up at 4am is certainly not my idea of fun but it was the only way for me to fit in a daily meditation. Whenever I attempted it at the end of a work day I found that I just fell asleep. My husband thinks it's hilarious that I wake myself up, from doing nothing, to sit, and do nothing... when I could still be sleeping! But for me it's the consciously doing nothing that makes the difference. And I think it's making a difference to my overall outlook and acceptance of life. All I know is I enjoy it, and I look forward to it.
Which I guess is the only way to form a habit. For me to be consistent with my writing it must be something I look forward to doing. For example, right now I am totally babbling. I am not trying to be perfect, I am just writing down what I'm thinking. Of course I am still re-reading a little bit, checking that my words at least flow and that I'm still relevant to my topic but I'm not ruining my fun by checking every sentence for perfection with editing and punchy one liners.
I think we all enjoy hearing what goes on inside the head of someone else, even if just to feel reassured we are not alone with our crazy thoughts. I think if I'm being honest, my posts to date (not that there's many of them... as you know, I have a consistency issue) are just okay. The majority of them have been re-written a 100 times, with my attempts to make them perfect. The only problem with that is they are being written by an imperfect human being. So how can I expect to produce perfection from imperfection?
So maybe it's time for me to just accept and embrace my imperfection, to let go, and to share my true human experience.
Hmmm, I think I just answered my question.
My perfectionism is what stops me. I am clearly in my own way. It's not that I'm too busy, it's that my perfectionism turns my writing into a job. And I already have a job! I don't need another one.
I guess to be consistent, to create a good writing habit, all I need do is have fun writing about anything at all... a struggle, a passing thought, a gripe, a wistful dream, an experience, whatever the topic keeping it real and off the cuff.
I read this book recently called 'Feck Perfunction' by James Victore, with the tag line, "Dangerous Ideas on the Business of Life". It was a super easy read, plus a good little kick in the pants. It urged me to not, not do stuff because I'm not ready, or I'm worried about what people will think (a biggie for me) but to do whatever it is that I want to do, NOW. Put my ego aside, make up my own rules, and let the weird person inside of me come out and play.
And I know he's right.
I want to write, so I should write. I also want to learn digital painting, which I'm procrastinating on right now... but that's a story for another day, another blog post.
So off the top of my head, as of this moment, why don't I just pick Sundays to write? The traditional day of rest. After I make Sunday pancakes for me and my husband (our tradition on top of a tradition!). I've at least shaken the week off by then, decompressed, and wound down. Even if I don't post every Sunday, I can at least write consistently and post when I want... with no pressure. Just enjoy hashing out my stresses and obsessions, like I'm doing right now. Why not? I know I can make it work.
DONE. Like my chubby little kitty's dinner.
Of course this means, we will see. But if I can get up at 4am to mediate, I can get up on a Sunday to write!